


God Only Knows

by notcgp



Category: Supernatural
Genre: ? - Freeform, Angst, Fluff, M/M, Maybe - Freeform, Religious Guilt, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Unrequited Crush, sam just wants to feel clean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-13 02:46:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29644587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notcgp/pseuds/notcgp
Summary: Sam wants Heaven’s sent approval.
Relationships: Castiel/Sam Winchester
Comments: 3
Kudos: 16





	God Only Knows

Castiel knew.

The moment he touched Sam’s hand, the hesitance to grasp it struck throughout his body. The boy with the demon blood, desperate for approval noticeable on his face, noticed by Heaven. Though, Sam wasn’t Castiel’s mission. He needed to focus on his tasks alone.

He knew from the first time Sam tried to become void of the liquid which plagued his own blood, it was again for approval. Sam wanted nothing but to be good. Sam wanted to not feel as if he disappointed himself, his mother, his father, or his brother. He did not want to disappoint Castiel.

Casitel knew that when he began to stray from his mission and began to fall not only from Heaven, but for the older brother, Sam saw it. He saw the way Cas would look at Dean, wondering what he did wrong. He told himself he would try harder, he would become clean, he would have Castiel’s approval.

The baptisms almost drowned him, he refused to resurface more than once. Raw, red skin from the hours of scrubbing his arms, face, and the rest of his body were not only found because of concern from prayers heard from his room anymore. They stood out. He noticed, he knew.

“I will be clean, help me be clean.” He heard Sam at the side of his bed every night, praying to someone, something at this point. “Please find me worthy.”

Castiel knew.

What Sam did not know though is that Castiel had approved of him. He understood the guilt brought upon humans, brought upon Sam by his own actions. Wrongs which were done by Castiel’s hand were no short of the amount that Sam hand done through the eyes of Heaven.

Castiel didn’t need Heaven. He fell for a reason, the only command kept being that he kept Dean safe. That’s all Castiel wanted to do, so Sam’s particular situation was never brought up by Cas himself. Until it had to be.

He knocked on Sam’s door softly, opening it at the strained croak of “come in.” 

Cas sat next to him, signaling for Sam to look at him closely. “I know, Sam.”

“What do you know?” Sam turned toward him, sitting with his legs crossed to match Cas. His face was stained with tears and blush red. 

“I know the struggles you face. I know about your most difficult one.” He bit the inside of his cheek, hoping he was going to the right way about addressing this.

They spoke about the baptisms, the long showers, the trips on Sundays, and the prayers. Sam finally let that spill out in front of him, he spoke of the smaller things Cas didn’t know. He felt hope. He felt safe with his hands in Castiel’s, he wanted to be ready to say it. Finally after all these years to speak the words he’s held back the most.

“I love you, Cas.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“Why are you sorry?”

Castiel sighed deeply feeling tears prick at his own eyes, “I have caused you all this pain, this guilt, I’ve indirectly caused you to carry this and you know how I ultimately feel.” He still cared for Sam.

“You love Dean.” Sam felt his heart fall, just as they both have time and time again. Every criticism slingshotting through his brain, those from Heaven, those from Dean, from hunters, from pastors, and from Castiel.

“But Sam.” Cas held Sam’s face in his hands, making sure he was listening. “You are clean. You are devoted. We all forgive you. We know you are worthy. It’s time that you know that, too, Sam. Even if we cannot be exactly what you want us to be, you have never not been enough for me. You have never not been enough for this world. We all need good like you.”

Sam stared at him, tears rolling hard down his face, trying not to cry loudly, “You are good, Sam.”

Cas pulled him in for a hug, holding him as he cried into his shoulder, Sam no longer caring what he sounded like or what he looked like. He repeated ‘thank you’s’ over and over, grateful for the words he needed to hear the most.

After a few minutes of sitting close, Sam calming down, they looked at each other again. “I’m sorry, Cas. For everything I’ve done. I’m sorry for putting you in an awkward, bad situation. I’m really sorry.”

Cas hushed Sam quickly, “Don’t be sorry for what you feel. This feeling and other ones aren’t forever. You aren’t defined by the negative, Sam. Winchester’s never learn that.”

They both chuckled softly, Sam looked at him thankful before breaking a part completely.

“You never know when new, good feelings may arise.”

He knew he prefered the way Sam looked at him, especially now. Maybe Cas discovered something he didn’t know in Sam’s eyes that night.

Only Cas knows that.


End file.
